Not just friends, but the right (for you) friends

Back at it with the dating metaphors

This post is part of my limited-run series New Friend Summer. Read more about it here.

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It’s a weird time to be in search of friends. 

Between reprehensible violence the US is funding abroad and inflicting at home, our ever-crumbling charade of democracy, the ongoing and dangerous pandemic our government is content to minimize, daily reminders of our worsening climate catastrophe, and the dozens of other unsummarizable horrors of our modern life…well, it’s hard not to feel like I’m searching for friends for the end of the world. Or at least for some rough(er) times ahead. 

Regardless of whether you think this is a particularly dramatic POV or not, you might at least agree that there’s a big difference between finding people you vibe with casually and befriending people you want to be in community with for the long haul. And while I think there’s plenty of value in all levels of friendship, a lot of us are on the lookout for the people we want to ride out these lonely, scary times with. (Or in my case, maybe start a commune with??? IDK!)

There are a lot of ways to do that—I’ve written about it plenty before, including how to find your chosen family—but when it comes to finding the people you’ll connect with on a deeper level, I always return to a romantic framework: seeking friends the way you might date around for new partners. (You might’ve guessed that the other week when I was encouraging y’all to set up your friends.) It’s oldie but goodie advice, but the truth is, a lot of us are taught to be intentional and discerning in our search for romance and sex, but not so much platonic love.

So how can you date around not just for new friends, but for friends who are right for you? I’ve got three tips for you this week. 

Get on the apps 

Sigh. I know. I’ll admit that I haven’t tried Bumble BFF since its early days when the feature still had some, shall we say…kinks? (Forever sorry to the straight girlie who matched with me on her BFF Feed after she showed up on my Date Feed. Guess how long it took us to realize the algorithm’s mistake?) So you can imagine my surprise when a not-insignificant number of people wrote in with their Bumble BFF success stories. 

Anecdotally, The Apps—soul-crushing as they can be—have two major boons going for them: quantity and curation. Because like romantic dating, finding someone you click with is a game of numbers and chance, and sometimes you have to wade through a lot of “totally fine but not for me” people before you do. And while that’s true on and off the apps, swiping through profiles can at least help you filter out “definitely not for me” people faster than you can IRL. Same goes for specifying your own dealbreakers, what you’re looking for, and other important info. 

Actually follow up about second+ dates

Unlike romantic dating, there isn’t always the built-in expectation that, if both parties had a grand ol’ time, the next hang will follow in a timely fashion. Instead, we’re stuck wondering things like: Is it weird to try to see this potential new friend so soon after grabbing drinks? Will they be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” Am I coming on too strong? (Okay, these might just be my neuroses, but plenty echoed these sentiments when they wrote in, too.) 

But keeping the momentum up in fledgling friendships is necessary, even if it feels awkward. “Making the connection is the easy part,” said Meredith L. “Being intentional about following up with ideas of interest-driven activities to do together and being consistent over time has cemented new friendships for me.”

Make use of the “getting to know you” period

This last tip comes from Guy Winch, PhD, the cohost of the Dear Therapists podcast and author of one of my favorite mental health books, Emotional First Aid. When I asked him for what was top-of-mind when it came to making friends these days, he told me, “I find myself reminding people that like in romantic relationships, the first few steps of friendship formation are critical in that they set the expectations for the friendship to come.” 

We don’t often think about the practicalities of friendship as much as we think about friendship chemistry. But when we have limited bandwidth to dedicate to our relationships, it’s okay to be a little picky about how we want our friendships to look.

Take some of Dr. Winch’s examples: “If you're the one reaching out each time, that will be the other person's expectation going forward. If you always do what they want to do, same thing. If they're late, they don't apologize and you don't comment on it (e.g., trouble with the subway?), they will assume it's cool to be late. In short, you have to pay close attention to the 'getting to know you' period and speak up when something you don't love happens—and do so politely, kindly, without making a big deal, but making your preferences known.” 

Now I want to know:

• What unique friendship challenges are you facing In These Times? Personally, meeting people who are still taking COVID precautions has been my uphill battle, but I’m curious what other people are dealing with!

• Any tips for wading into the Bumble BFF game? Are there other apps you’ve had more friend-making success on?

• Is anyone actually reading and enjoying this or did I give myself the most useless summer homework assignment ever???

See you in two weeks! (Quietly bumping this down to every other week because unfortunately, I’m recovering from a bout of COVID and have way too much freelance work to catch up on as a result. Boo!)