I didn't think I'd live past 20, but 12 years later and I'm still somehow here. Birthdays remain weird for me. I remember once telling a friend how I wish people would do something for me during birthdays, like throw me a party. She said that that was weird, that I should be the one throwing my own party. I get what she meant, but I guess part of it is just me wanting other people to remember and act for me because I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about it.
I’ve also felt this a lot. “I made it to another year and now what? I’m supposed to celebrate myself? I mean I guess staying alive another year is an objectively good thing....etc etc.” I find myself wishing friends would throw me a surprise party so I could feel the friendly warmth and positive ~vibes~ that birthdays are supposed to impart but without feeling like a burden for bringing attention to myself or that paralyzing self doubt like “is me still being here really worth all this hubbub why did I throw this” lol
It’s nice to have my thoughts articulated so well from your perspective. Thank you sm for writing this. Today’s my nineteenth, an age I never would have thought I’d make three years ago
I didn't think I'd live past 20, but 12 years later and I'm still somehow here. Birthdays remain weird for me. I remember once telling a friend how I wish people would do something for me during birthdays, like throw me a party. She said that that was weird, that I should be the one throwing my own party. I get what she meant, but I guess part of it is just me wanting other people to remember and act for me because I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about it.
I’ve also felt this a lot. “I made it to another year and now what? I’m supposed to celebrate myself? I mean I guess staying alive another year is an objectively good thing....etc etc.” I find myself wishing friends would throw me a surprise party so I could feel the friendly warmth and positive ~vibes~ that birthdays are supposed to impart but without feeling like a burden for bringing attention to myself or that paralyzing self doubt like “is me still being here really worth all this hubbub why did I throw this” lol
It’s nice to have my thoughts articulated so well from your perspective. Thank you sm for writing this. Today’s my nineteenth, an age I never would have thought I’d make three years ago