A thing that sometimes helps me is to break down the steps of getting up to Do The Thing. I'm lying in bed. All I have to do is push myself up on my elbows. Now all I have to do from there is sit up straight. And so on. I do this out loud, celebrating each step, with my husband cheering me on.
I feel like things are only getting harder lately, but something that I've been thinking a lot about is how my current state of treading just...isn't my fault. Like, I know that I am a person with depression who has ideated before and all that, but how I've been feeling lately isn't entirely on me. Like, it is not my fault that I got laid off. It's not my fault that corporations undervalue writers, that the modern hiring process is a shitshow, that we live in a system designed specifically to wear people down. It's not my depression that sent me a letter saying that my rent is going up in a couple months or canceled my dentist appointment in June and now the next available appointment is in November (dental care is such a joke).
I don't really know where that leaves me. Maybe in that annoying "you can only control how you react to things" space (annoying because it's true and because people say it all the damn time), but I don't know. I've been giving myself the space to take the burden off my own shoulders and get angry at the things that put me here.
Like, I know people mean well when they ask what they can do for me, and I always appreciate it, but there's a point when it feels like useless coddling when the true and only answer is "hire me or dismantle capitalism".
i've been in a VERY similar place (and also am dealing with delayed appointment health care hell, ugh), to the point that it's made me reframe my ideation a lot in general. like, of course i'm not motivated to do anything when it's getting harder and harder to work for less and less reward!!! of course i'm not attached to this version of life!!! and i also don't know where that leaves me. i feel like i'm going back to the drawing board when it comes to what i can realistically expect out of life and therefore what it will take to find happiness in that system.
Sorry, I was gonna give a lengthy reply, but I forgot what I was gonna say haha. Really, just hoping the best for you (and really for anyone who's not a C-level exec). <3
Don't get me wrong, I like being happy. I can adapt to problems, handle issues, and stay positive though tough situations.
So far.
My FDs right now are my meds, with a side of DBT to alter my mindset on things that would get me down. I found a med cocktail that's been working really well, along with a new diagnosis on a condition this year, which includes more meds. So I'm really med dependent right now. The little thing that haunts mother back of my mind is: what do I do when the meds start to fail?
This shadow of a thought gives me nervous energy for my therapy, and a sense of quazi-paranoia. Am I learning enough? Am I doing the homework? Am I building habits as I learn them? I'm trying to build habits: physical wellness, coping ahead, regular (small) exercise, walking middle paths, radical acceptance... it's a lot and too little at the same time. And my trauma incites... no, demands perfectionism beyond just therapy.
I'll end it with a less dismal note. I'm too cynical about the worth of my life to buy into the idea that it gets better. My mental illness and mental disabilities are lifelong. I did find the compromise that it'll slowly get easier. That's something that gives me that mustard seed of hope. And in times of anhedonia like you described, I found something that helps me try something to lift myself. "That time is going to pass anyway." Might as well make that time pass by trying.
I find it hard to know where to begin. I have pancreatic cancer. It isn’t the cancer so much that bothers me it’s the chemo treatments.
In the past one of my biggest FDs is going out in nature, hiking, snowshoeing, swimming in a river, etc. Now, I’m limited to what my energy levels allow me to do. I love talking walks or going to shows (if I’m feeling strong enough). I love gardening and creating things but all of this has been hampered by the accumulating side effects of the chemo. I’m lucky if I get 3 days of feeling good as the chemo wears off and it gets closure to my next infusion.
Chemo plus the unbearable heat wave we’re in is keeping me indoors more and I’m now subject to more depressing thoughts and visions. Yesterday, I spent most of the day in bed due to fatigue and blinds drawn to keep the house as cool as possible. That environment alone is challenging my ideation urges a lot right now and I’m struggling with how to find another floatation device that involves being stuck in my house.
So where does one with SI and battling cancer (and navigating the heat that is accentuated by chemo) have the will to continue in a world that already has so many negative elements in it find his way? Perhaps that is one of my lessons in this life time? Time shall see but the two elements that are keeping me afloat are nature and being around people.
My dad, whose name is Steve, is going through a form of lung cancer. I see some of those same traits. He therapy doesn't use chemo, but his reduced lung capacity restricts him from his former self. Days vary. Strength varies. He keeps pursuing his interests though, even if he has to modify them or ask for additional help he didn't need before. I hope you can find a way to adapt too.
I'm going out on a limb and taking your questions as not rhetorical. In the case that they are rhetorical, let me know, and I'll delete.
Two things I can think of are habitat and medicine. With habitat, if you can, invest in making a room cheery to you, including a sunlamp for artifical sun happiness. With medicine, notify your Drs (oncologist and primary care) of your issues and pester fir help.
I'm not sure what else to say except you're not alone. Others feel your issues too. If anything, you have us on this Substack.
Thank you, Nikko! I appreciate you view points. One of the things that I failed to mention that can help with the loneliness I feel, in spite of having a large and supportive network, is to go to the mall with A/C and just people watch. The problem is getting there if I’m fresh off of a chemo session. I’ve just spent the last 3 days sleeping. Each day gets better as the chemo wears off but I’m pretty much bound to at least a week or more of not being able to focus well and like your father, the tiredness and fatigue is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Pursuing my interests has been very challenging but I still try. Thanks again for your thoughts and suggestions!
Chemo is hard. I can only imagine what you're struggling with. I hope you find a home-alternative to the mall. Thr imagination can be powerful, and I have faith you'll figure out something and get past this ailment as well. Best wishes!
thank you as always for sharing your experiences and feelings, uncle steven 🖤🖤🖤
i wish there was a way to bottle the outdoors and bring it inside for you when your energy levels won't allow you to tap into the healing power of nature. this is kind of a silly one, but a listener of my podcast once submitted a coping mechanism of hers, which was using colored smart lights to create nature "scenes" based on photos of her favorite outdoor memories (i think it was a beach at sunset). i tried it out (using philips hue lights) and i've found it to be a really lovely way to create a peaceful environment when i'm stuck inside. i'll tell you more about it on our next call.
Peerdom is a such funny spectrum hey. No peers and it's hell on earth, too many and it's instant envious comparative guilt. If I had any peers I'd want some sort of social collander that seperate the pep talk from the guilt.
I'm on the strongest chemo for my situation. I've been in bed most of the day the last 3 days. I just can't function physically or mentally with these side effects. I have new CT scan coming up next week and then meet with a University of New Mexico (UNM) to see if my tumor is operable next week, so it's a big month for me. As for the weather, we are supposed to get hotter next week nearing 100 degrees for Santa Fe, which is unheard of. I have a new pet project coming into view. I'm applying for possible clinical trials in Seattle, Wa. with the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center. I just got that ball rolling this morning but there is a question of whether or not my New Mexico insurance will cover me in Washington State, so we have a lot of work to do that will keep me busy and distracted. So, wish us luck.
Simply find an hour to get out and aimlessly walk the streets has always helped but I need to be above certain threshold to break how easy it is to do nothing instead.
I'm lucky enough to have a few friends I trust I can text, "call me on your drive home from work and make me leave the apt while we talk."
Because once I'm out the front door, I can handle the rest myself. It's silly how much so little peer pressure can make a difference.
A thing that sometimes helps me is to break down the steps of getting up to Do The Thing. I'm lying in bed. All I have to do is push myself up on my elbows. Now all I have to do from there is sit up straight. And so on. I do this out loud, celebrating each step, with my husband cheering me on.
ohh now i want to give this a try! especially complete with narration, my cats will surely enjoy
I feel like things are only getting harder lately, but something that I've been thinking a lot about is how my current state of treading just...isn't my fault. Like, I know that I am a person with depression who has ideated before and all that, but how I've been feeling lately isn't entirely on me. Like, it is not my fault that I got laid off. It's not my fault that corporations undervalue writers, that the modern hiring process is a shitshow, that we live in a system designed specifically to wear people down. It's not my depression that sent me a letter saying that my rent is going up in a couple months or canceled my dentist appointment in June and now the next available appointment is in November (dental care is such a joke).
I don't really know where that leaves me. Maybe in that annoying "you can only control how you react to things" space (annoying because it's true and because people say it all the damn time), but I don't know. I've been giving myself the space to take the burden off my own shoulders and get angry at the things that put me here.
Like, I know people mean well when they ask what they can do for me, and I always appreciate it, but there's a point when it feels like useless coddling when the true and only answer is "hire me or dismantle capitalism".
i've been in a VERY similar place (and also am dealing with delayed appointment health care hell, ugh), to the point that it's made me reframe my ideation a lot in general. like, of course i'm not motivated to do anything when it's getting harder and harder to work for less and less reward!!! of course i'm not attached to this version of life!!! and i also don't know where that leaves me. i feel like i'm going back to the drawing board when it comes to what i can realistically expect out of life and therefore what it will take to find happiness in that system.
all of that to say...ugh. hugs.
Sorry, I was gonna give a lengthy reply, but I forgot what I was gonna say haha. Really, just hoping the best for you (and really for anyone who's not a C-level exec). <3
I'm in a strange spot. I'm happy!
Don't get me wrong, I like being happy. I can adapt to problems, handle issues, and stay positive though tough situations.
So far.
My FDs right now are my meds, with a side of DBT to alter my mindset on things that would get me down. I found a med cocktail that's been working really well, along with a new diagnosis on a condition this year, which includes more meds. So I'm really med dependent right now. The little thing that haunts mother back of my mind is: what do I do when the meds start to fail?
This shadow of a thought gives me nervous energy for my therapy, and a sense of quazi-paranoia. Am I learning enough? Am I doing the homework? Am I building habits as I learn them? I'm trying to build habits: physical wellness, coping ahead, regular (small) exercise, walking middle paths, radical acceptance... it's a lot and too little at the same time. And my trauma incites... no, demands perfectionism beyond just therapy.
I'll end it with a less dismal note. I'm too cynical about the worth of my life to buy into the idea that it gets better. My mental illness and mental disabilities are lifelong. I did find the compromise that it'll slowly get easier. That's something that gives me that mustard seed of hope. And in times of anhedonia like you described, I found something that helps me try something to lift myself. "That time is going to pass anyway." Might as well make that time pass by trying.
ahhh, i'm so glad to hear you're in a happy place, even if it's coming with some mixed feelings 🖤 that perfectionism is so real though
I find it hard to know where to begin. I have pancreatic cancer. It isn’t the cancer so much that bothers me it’s the chemo treatments.
In the past one of my biggest FDs is going out in nature, hiking, snowshoeing, swimming in a river, etc. Now, I’m limited to what my energy levels allow me to do. I love talking walks or going to shows (if I’m feeling strong enough). I love gardening and creating things but all of this has been hampered by the accumulating side effects of the chemo. I’m lucky if I get 3 days of feeling good as the chemo wears off and it gets closure to my next infusion.
Chemo plus the unbearable heat wave we’re in is keeping me indoors more and I’m now subject to more depressing thoughts and visions. Yesterday, I spent most of the day in bed due to fatigue and blinds drawn to keep the house as cool as possible. That environment alone is challenging my ideation urges a lot right now and I’m struggling with how to find another floatation device that involves being stuck in my house.
So where does one with SI and battling cancer (and navigating the heat that is accentuated by chemo) have the will to continue in a world that already has so many negative elements in it find his way? Perhaps that is one of my lessons in this life time? Time shall see but the two elements that are keeping me afloat are nature and being around people.
Hi Steven.
My dad, whose name is Steve, is going through a form of lung cancer. I see some of those same traits. He therapy doesn't use chemo, but his reduced lung capacity restricts him from his former self. Days vary. Strength varies. He keeps pursuing his interests though, even if he has to modify them or ask for additional help he didn't need before. I hope you can find a way to adapt too.
I'm going out on a limb and taking your questions as not rhetorical. In the case that they are rhetorical, let me know, and I'll delete.
Two things I can think of are habitat and medicine. With habitat, if you can, invest in making a room cheery to you, including a sunlamp for artifical sun happiness. With medicine, notify your Drs (oncologist and primary care) of your issues and pester fir help.
I'm not sure what else to say except you're not alone. Others feel your issues too. If anything, you have us on this Substack.
Thank you, Nikko! I appreciate you view points. One of the things that I failed to mention that can help with the loneliness I feel, in spite of having a large and supportive network, is to go to the mall with A/C and just people watch. The problem is getting there if I’m fresh off of a chemo session. I’ve just spent the last 3 days sleeping. Each day gets better as the chemo wears off but I’m pretty much bound to at least a week or more of not being able to focus well and like your father, the tiredness and fatigue is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Pursuing my interests has been very challenging but I still try. Thanks again for your thoughts and suggestions!
Chemo is hard. I can only imagine what you're struggling with. I hope you find a home-alternative to the mall. Thr imagination can be powerful, and I have faith you'll figure out something and get past this ailment as well. Best wishes!
thank you as always for sharing your experiences and feelings, uncle steven 🖤🖤🖤
i wish there was a way to bottle the outdoors and bring it inside for you when your energy levels won't allow you to tap into the healing power of nature. this is kind of a silly one, but a listener of my podcast once submitted a coping mechanism of hers, which was using colored smart lights to create nature "scenes" based on photos of her favorite outdoor memories (i think it was a beach at sunset). i tried it out (using philips hue lights) and i've found it to be a really lovely way to create a peaceful environment when i'm stuck inside. i'll tell you more about it on our next call.
talk soon, love ya 🖤
Peerdom is a such funny spectrum hey. No peers and it's hell on earth, too many and it's instant envious comparative guilt. If I had any peers I'd want some sort of social collander that seperate the pep talk from the guilt.
I'm on the strongest chemo for my situation. I've been in bed most of the day the last 3 days. I just can't function physically or mentally with these side effects. I have new CT scan coming up next week and then meet with a University of New Mexico (UNM) to see if my tumor is operable next week, so it's a big month for me. As for the weather, we are supposed to get hotter next week nearing 100 degrees for Santa Fe, which is unheard of. I have a new pet project coming into view. I'm applying for possible clinical trials in Seattle, Wa. with the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center. I just got that ball rolling this morning but there is a question of whether or not my New Mexico insurance will cover me in Washington State, so we have a lot of work to do that will keep me busy and distracted. So, wish us luck.
Thanks, Anna! I’m looking forward to our next chat!
Simply find an hour to get out and aimlessly walk the streets has always helped but I need to be above certain threshold to break how easy it is to do nothing instead.
I'm lucky enough to have a few friends I trust I can text, "call me on your drive home from work and make me leave the apt while we talk."
Because once I'm out the front door, I can handle the rest myself. It's silly how much so little peer pressure can make a difference.